As I sit here and eat my chocolate from Christmas, I can't help wonder how I got back to this point. Granted I am still down the weight, but I notice the flab is back, and every time I try to jump back into my new normal something in life pulls be back a little more.
How is it that I keep making excuses? To me they don't feel like excuses, but I know they are. I know working out makes me feel better, so why do I choose depression over happiness? Why oh why is it so much easier to sit on the couch and do nothing than to GET UP? I am the last person that will tell you that you don't need to work hard to earn something. I have always been a hard worker, so why am I not working hard on MY happiness AGAIN?!
I have had a rough Fall/Winter season, like most people, so I am not saying I am the only one in hard times right now. I am just choosing to vent it out through what works best for me. Especially because I feel alone right now. You probably think I am crazy, I know, but going through the experiences I have been through lately make you really realize the people around you and how completely wrong you were about them. Maybe this is a faze, maybe I am over-reacting, but I have never felt reality hit so hard until this moment. So let me explain it.
Starting with switching jobs this year. Greatest choice I made for myself. I am happy, great at it and love my new co-workers. It was all going great, then my husband got fired from his place of work. He now works somewhere where he is also happy again. Loves working with one guy and no drama, and making our home life feel great again. The only difference is with his job, he is his own business making it much harder to build it back up. Its basically not starting from the bottom, but somewhere in the middle. Which means, in real world terms, taking a pay cut for a bit. We are fine, trying to make this work the best we can. It's so hard, but the way I look at it is if we can make it through these tough times then hell we can make it through anything. I am fully aware life throws curve balls, and I am ready to hit them out of the park, and maybe strike out a few times.
The curve ball I was not expecting.... was losing someone. I have been through people going through this pain, but I, personally, have never been through a death of a close friend or family member. My supervisor passed this December from a brain aneurysm. She was young, beautiful, full of life, passionate, and so soft spoken. She was a leader and I looked up to her so very much. I was working at my current job when I got the call. That moment I was alone. I had no one there that knew her, no one who knew our relationship, no one. I couldn't go to my old job because everyone was trying to make it through the day just as I. I had a hard time because I felt I didn't get to say a normal "have a great day, see you tomorrow". I feel like I was so far away and alone. Even though the girls would be telling me the opposite, that's just how I felt in that moment. I was at my old employer for six years. In those six years you become a "work" family. Now I wasn't a part of that, and that was so hard. Her memorial was great. Got to think about her in a happy way, the way I know she would want me to think about her and I got to really talk to her that day. It felt good to have a little closer on my end, and now I can remember happiness not sadness.
As most of my Facebook friends know, I have been hit hard this last week. My cousin Brian has been on life support for a week now battling H1N1 or "Swine Flu" as some call it, and double pneumonia. as of now he is on a ventilator and is going through ECMO. If you want to know what ECMO is, this wiki site can tell you more Here. No he did not get his flu shot, yes he wouldn't have gotten this if he had. He also, being as stubborn as he is, waited a little longer than he should have to get admitted.
Brian is the eldest of all of us grand kids, then me. Growing up we all grew up in Camp Creek together. Flash light tag, and lots of walks to the school and creek. He was like a big brother I never had. We all were close when we were kids. Obviously time takes us by the hands and we grow into our own individuals and have families of our own, but let me tell you he still till this day will always be that close to me. Seeing him in the state he is in scares the living shit out of me. We are way too young to be thinking of being hooked up to a ventilator or relying on machines to live. It breaks my heart to no end to watch family ache and heartbroken. I have cried everyday since he has been in the hospital because we can't see an end at this time. I haven't been able to think straight, be truly happy, or even care to get ready in the morning. I have never felt heartbreak like this. I don't even know if it is considered heartbreak, but I know it hurts and I know I hurt. I love you Brian Felger, please keep fighting, you are so loved.
The one thing I am so grateful for is my family. They are such amazing people and I am so blessed to know that if this was me or anyone else, they would be there right by my side. People I barely talk to are reaching out more than ever for him and his family. People I may not have talked to in years or months have shared status updates, found ways to help, contributed to fundraisers, I mean how amazing can people be? Every one has things going on in there lives, but to make such unselfish acts of kindness to people some have never met before, just makes me so grateful to say I know you, and truly makes my heart warm. It makes me look at my life and what I have been doing or not doing to help someone in need. It makes me look at those in my life differently too. Those who aren't so close to me, maybe I need to take a moment to get to know them better, and those who are close to me, and who haven't made any effort to be there for a friend, maybe I need to take a step back from.
So, my goals right now.... Focus. If I can just focus on what I need to make myself happy, I know I can succeed in life. Without my own self happiness, how can I make others happy or even be there for them? Focusing on what's important is, I guess, my New Years resolution. Being fit, happy and healthy, my family and my friends. I am going to live life to the fullest and remember life is too short. Hug harder, kiss often and love big.
Happy New Years and God bless each of you and your loved ones.
-Ash
P.S.-
If you would like to help Brian, his wife and kids, here is some upcoming fundraisers to help, or you can simply donate to Brian's Medical Fund here and all donations go straight to helping with medical bills and helping with other financial needs. We all thank you from the bottom of our hearts!
January 1, 2014
For $50 you can get a tattoo from (my hubby) Brett Montague at 8th Avenue Tattoo from 12pm-10pm. Brett will have a select number of tattoos to choose from and all proceeds made that day will be donated to Brian's Medical Fund. Walk in only, first come first serve. You can see his work on his Facebook Page
January 8, 2014
Papa's Pizza Fundraiser in Springfield. 50% of your purchase will go to Brian's Medical Fund. MUST HAVE A FLYER, please go HERE to print one off.
ALL January
During the WHOLE Month of January, you can order a dozen yummy cupcakes for only $15
and $10 will be donated to the Brian Felger Medical Fund
Place your orders with Afton at
https://www.facebook.com/CupcakesByAfton
How is it that I keep making excuses? To me they don't feel like excuses, but I know they are. I know working out makes me feel better, so why do I choose depression over happiness? Why oh why is it so much easier to sit on the couch and do nothing than to GET UP? I am the last person that will tell you that you don't need to work hard to earn something. I have always been a hard worker, so why am I not working hard on MY happiness AGAIN?!
I have had a rough Fall/Winter season, like most people, so I am not saying I am the only one in hard times right now. I am just choosing to vent it out through what works best for me. Especially because I feel alone right now. You probably think I am crazy, I know, but going through the experiences I have been through lately make you really realize the people around you and how completely wrong you were about them. Maybe this is a faze, maybe I am over-reacting, but I have never felt reality hit so hard until this moment. So let me explain it.
Starting with switching jobs this year. Greatest choice I made for myself. I am happy, great at it and love my new co-workers. It was all going great, then my husband got fired from his place of work. He now works somewhere where he is also happy again. Loves working with one guy and no drama, and making our home life feel great again. The only difference is with his job, he is his own business making it much harder to build it back up. Its basically not starting from the bottom, but somewhere in the middle. Which means, in real world terms, taking a pay cut for a bit. We are fine, trying to make this work the best we can. It's so hard, but the way I look at it is if we can make it through these tough times then hell we can make it through anything. I am fully aware life throws curve balls, and I am ready to hit them out of the park, and maybe strike out a few times.
The curve ball I was not expecting.... was losing someone. I have been through people going through this pain, but I, personally, have never been through a death of a close friend or family member. My supervisor passed this December from a brain aneurysm. She was young, beautiful, full of life, passionate, and so soft spoken. She was a leader and I looked up to her so very much. I was working at my current job when I got the call. That moment I was alone. I had no one there that knew her, no one who knew our relationship, no one. I couldn't go to my old job because everyone was trying to make it through the day just as I. I had a hard time because I felt I didn't get to say a normal "have a great day, see you tomorrow". I feel like I was so far away and alone. Even though the girls would be telling me the opposite, that's just how I felt in that moment. I was at my old employer for six years. In those six years you become a "work" family. Now I wasn't a part of that, and that was so hard. Her memorial was great. Got to think about her in a happy way, the way I know she would want me to think about her and I got to really talk to her that day. It felt good to have a little closer on my end, and now I can remember happiness not sadness.
As most of my Facebook friends know, I have been hit hard this last week. My cousin Brian has been on life support for a week now battling H1N1 or "Swine Flu" as some call it, and double pneumonia. as of now he is on a ventilator and is going through ECMO. If you want to know what ECMO is, this wiki site can tell you more Here. No he did not get his flu shot, yes he wouldn't have gotten this if he had. He also, being as stubborn as he is, waited a little longer than he should have to get admitted.
Brian is the eldest of all of us grand kids, then me. Growing up we all grew up in Camp Creek together. Flash light tag, and lots of walks to the school and creek. He was like a big brother I never had. We all were close when we were kids. Obviously time takes us by the hands and we grow into our own individuals and have families of our own, but let me tell you he still till this day will always be that close to me. Seeing him in the state he is in scares the living shit out of me. We are way too young to be thinking of being hooked up to a ventilator or relying on machines to live. It breaks my heart to no end to watch family ache and heartbroken. I have cried everyday since he has been in the hospital because we can't see an end at this time. I haven't been able to think straight, be truly happy, or even care to get ready in the morning. I have never felt heartbreak like this. I don't even know if it is considered heartbreak, but I know it hurts and I know I hurt. I love you Brian Felger, please keep fighting, you are so loved.
The one thing I am so grateful for is my family. They are such amazing people and I am so blessed to know that if this was me or anyone else, they would be there right by my side. People I barely talk to are reaching out more than ever for him and his family. People I may not have talked to in years or months have shared status updates, found ways to help, contributed to fundraisers, I mean how amazing can people be? Every one has things going on in there lives, but to make such unselfish acts of kindness to people some have never met before, just makes me so grateful to say I know you, and truly makes my heart warm. It makes me look at my life and what I have been doing or not doing to help someone in need. It makes me look at those in my life differently too. Those who aren't so close to me, maybe I need to take a moment to get to know them better, and those who are close to me, and who haven't made any effort to be there for a friend, maybe I need to take a step back from.
So, my goals right now.... Focus. If I can just focus on what I need to make myself happy, I know I can succeed in life. Without my own self happiness, how can I make others happy or even be there for them? Focusing on what's important is, I guess, my New Years resolution. Being fit, happy and healthy, my family and my friends. I am going to live life to the fullest and remember life is too short. Hug harder, kiss often and love big.
Happy New Years and God bless each of you and your loved ones.
-Ash
P.S.-
If you would like to help Brian, his wife and kids, here is some upcoming fundraisers to help, or you can simply donate to Brian's Medical Fund here and all donations go straight to helping with medical bills and helping with other financial needs. We all thank you from the bottom of our hearts!
January 1, 2014
For $50 you can get a tattoo from (my hubby) Brett Montague at 8th Avenue Tattoo from 12pm-10pm. Brett will have a select number of tattoos to choose from and all proceeds made that day will be donated to Brian's Medical Fund. Walk in only, first come first serve. You can see his work on his Facebook Page
January 8, 2014
Papa's Pizza Fundraiser in Springfield. 50% of your purchase will go to Brian's Medical Fund. MUST HAVE A FLYER, please go HERE to print one off.
ALL January
During the WHOLE Month of January, you can order a dozen yummy cupcakes for only $15
and $10 will be donated to the Brian Felger Medical Fund
Place your orders with Afton at
https://www.facebook.com/CupcakesByAfton
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